“They vanished into the night, like ghosts”

The Yuen Long Police Force searched scenes of violence from last night for evidence of crime and evildoers, but found that they just missed the perpetrators.

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“Such bad luck”, commented one police officer, his baton half-raised in a non-threatening gesture. “Our timing was perfect and completely coincidental. We even helped direct some helmeted lost souls towards the right direction.”

Police investigations are ongoing, and the full force of the 20 people strong Yuen Long Police Force report that there is no conclusive evidence to be found, and remind the public that the emergency number in the event of crisis in the future will be just as helpful as the closed gates of the police stations were during the violence last night.

“We believe in consistency”, the press release stated, defending itself and the lack of progress in their investigations. “Searching online and offline is like dragging a net through sand. How could we possibly find them? It’s not like there’s a recognizable picture of their faces published anywhere with their weapons in hand.”

In other news:

Unemployment in Yuen Long drops as upright citizens with bamboo sticks find work

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“Same same but different” : the recently employed celebrate in anticipation of their newest contract

“It’s so gratifying to know that I’ll finally be legally paid to do what I do”, said one such recently employed citizen. “And it’ll be so great to know that after work I’ll be able to mingle with the crowd, my head held high as just everybody else without danger of being stared at as if I were some sort of dangerous animal.”

Asked if they had any trepidation with starting their new line of work, which they refused to disclose, their spokesperson only had this elated message to give:

“No, why would I? The law and its enforcement protects me!”

See also: Studies conclusive: Tear gas released into the air not the only cause for the increase of tears shed in Hong Kong.

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Again, Satire. I’m going to be setting up a page soon that is the non-bullshit version of this news. Why am I doing this? Simply because the news is getting absurd enough, and the government and police happy enough with their lies that there’s little way for me to rationalize their logic anymore except through humour, to highlight and exaggerate the absurdity of the situation that Hong Kong finds itself in.

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